I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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