I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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