a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
