remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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