If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
