I will die if light touches me.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
