is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
