i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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