i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
