I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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