smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
