Your face is a jimmy john
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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