Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
