dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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