the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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