Tell her she can't have a vagina
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
