What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
