I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
