Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
