I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
