if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
