Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
