i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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