u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
