I just cut my nipple shaving
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
