Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
She needs sedatives and a leash
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize