i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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