At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Say something about gay babies.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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