my phone needs a breathalizer
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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