I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
