i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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