the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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