literally had 100 drinks last night.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
