I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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