I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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