Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
