Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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