Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
