I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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