i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
