She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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