I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
