My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
