I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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