We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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