My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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