So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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