If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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