A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
