Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
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