Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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