Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
