Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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