i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
