Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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