God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Randomize