I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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