You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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