alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
