You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
