return my video game
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
